i still feel no effect from the zoloft or wellbutrin. i feel exhausted. i feel like i can’t get enough sleep. i feel irritated. i feel like the sleep is inadequate partially because i keep waking up sweaty and hot because the portable air conditioner can’t keep up. hubby’s vacation next week can’t come soon enough. i hope we can figure something out.

4th of july is this weekend and i am not going to any get togethers. it is way too hot and i can’t tolerate the heat as is. i know that being on an ssri affects heat intolerance even more, so all the more reason to stay home in air conditioning.

for lunch today, hubby and i had chum’s.

i think i’m gonna spend the rest of the evening listening to rain on youtube and taking a long ass nap.

i spent the majority of yesterday sleeping. i’m not even sure why. i just felt like i couldn’t get enough sleep.

it’s about 3 am right now and unfortunately, i am wide awake.

i didn’t take my ssri or wellbutrin yesterday because i couldn’t remember if i took it already or not.

i don’t know why, but i’m having a difficult time coping with losing granny and papa lately. it is difficult for me to accept that people who were part of my life for so long no longer exist in this realm. i keep thinking about all of the times granny and i used to go shopping and out to eat and how much i yearn to do that with her again. i keep thinking about how beautifully she kept the house i live in and how i can’t even manage to get out of bed most days. i would like to hope that these medications will give me that motivation, but i’m not so sure that they will. i miss her and papa so much sometimes that i can’t stand it.

well, i finally started the wellbutrin a few hours ago. i feel no effect so far. i actually feel more tired than normal. i’ve spent the last two hours trying to hype myself up to go to petsmart to pick up mealworms for my jumping spider. i do not feel like going anywhere at all. i want to crawl back in bed and go to sleep.

we finished the homestead last night and now i’m sad because supposedly the new series doesn’t come out until later this year. it was such a good series.

the fortnite update is really cool so far. there’s new sprites and new loot. the gold fishing holes are back too! i’m excited to play with my friends tonight.

today has been pretty uneventful so far. i ate leftover spaghetti. today is hubby’s friday and i am so ready for him to be off already.

twinkie is still adjusting well and is having no issues letting me hold him at night. last night he kept burrowing himself in the bedding and it was so cute to watch.

it has been super gloomy outside and it’s making me so sleepy. part of me wants to try to stay awake but then there’s a big part of me that wants to lay down and sleep until hubby comes home. i already know that if it starts raining, there’s noooo way i’m gonna be able to stay awake.

i still haven’t taken my wellbutrin. i am for sure gonna start it tomorrow morning. i think i’ll feel better starting it tomorrow since my hubby is gonna be home all day.

i really need to go get some benadryl or something because my allergies have been off the chain lately. i almost won a solo fortnite match earlier and i’m convinced i only lost because my eyes started watering like crazy out of nowhere. i have tried two diff kinds of eye drops so far and they don’t do a thing.

i can’t stop freaking yawning.

i made spaghetti, garlic bread, and peas with mayo for supper tonight, which is an accomplishment for me considering the slump i’ve been in lately. it was really good except for the fact we were out of parmesan cheese and i didn’t realize it before i placed the grocery order.

i did an online delivery order from walmart today, which totally sucked because the driver couldn’t find my house. i had to go outside, flag her down, and actually communicate with someone outside of my fortnite friend group. to be honest, i was so out of my element and it was a super uncomfortable interaction for me. i’m gonna try to do pickup orders from now on to prevent that from ever happening again and to also force me to get out of the house.

one thing i’ve implemented since being in this depressive phase is purchasing paper plates, paper bowls, and plastic cutlery. it makes me feel so wasteful, but it genuinely helps.

right now, hubby and i are watching the homestead series on angel studios. i’m really enjoying it so far. once we finish the series, i might watch the movie, too.

/random journal prompt
What is an unpopular food combination or strange snack that you secretly love?

orville redenbacher’s ultimate butter popcorn [with extra butter spray added] mixed with plain or peanut butter m&m’s is my absolute go-to snack! i cannot eat popcorn without m&m’s!

crispy bacon + mayo sandwiches on toasted and buttered bread.

plain buttered biscuits dipped in ketchup for breakfast!

i also love taking a can of peas, a couple tablespoons of mayo, a teaspoon of vinegar, mixing it up until the peas are white and eating it as a side for spaghetti. my hubby is repulsed every time i make this, but my granny used to make it [i guess you can call it a pea salad variation] and i absolutely love it.

/daily life

we are on day 4 of zoloft. i haven’t noticed a change in my anxiety yet. i am still having random bouts of nausea. the only other side effect i’ve noticed is a bit of dissociation. the nausea was super intense when i woke up this morning. i still haven’t started the wellbutrin. as long as i don’t have any nausea for the rest of the evening and when i wake up tomorrow, i may start it in the morning.

our bedroom has been getting really hot with the increasing summer temps. our bedroom has a huge screen door that used to lead to a porch until granny and papa had a pool installed there instead. there are no other windows, so the only option as far as cooling it is a portable ac with the hose leading out the screen door.

when i was really young, the bedroom used to be the living room until granny and papa rearranged. personally, i want to move the living room back in there because i would rather deal with a little heat while i’m awake vs. when i’m falling asleep.

jeremy is planning to take a vaca so we can take some time to fix some things up in the house.

/daily life

i finally started zoloft yesterday. i took the first dose around 7 pm and by midnight, i started to feel the side effects. the last time i took zoloft, i don’t remember having any side effects at all; however, this time, i was very nauseous. there were a couple of instances where i almost puked.

i planned on starting wellbutrin today. i’m supposed to take it in the morning to help with my energy levels and motivation. after having side effects from zoloft, though, i think i’m going to wait awhile and let that settle before introducing another medication.

twinkie ran in his wheel all night last night. he has the giant kaytee wheel, which squeaks when he runs. as weird as this sounds, it was very soothing to hear, especially after losing lucy. i was going to have jeremy stop and get him some gerber puffs for treats, but i forgot to ask him while he was at the store.

i am thinking about buying a small box fan from walmart. i have a huge lasko fan (this one, to be exact) that i absolutely adore, but it is huge and somewhat difficult to move around from room-to-room. it is perfect when it’s extremely hot or when you’re feeling sick, though. jeremy hates it, but i love it and i’m never getting rid of that thing. ideally, i would like to have a fan in every room. it has just been so hot, humid and miserable lately. my face constantly feels hot and i hate that feeling.

today is father’s day, which i will make a separate entry about.

/DAILY LIFE

i am sick and tired of being overwhelmed with everything. anxiety has been running my life lately and i am over it.

jeremy is on his way to the store right now to pick up my medications. i hope they help.

it has been one thing after another LATELY:

• father’s day is tomorrow. this is a difficult day for me for two different reasons. the first reason is because the father figure in my life – my papa – passed away in 2022. the second reason is that my actual father passed away in 2013 from alcoholism and we weren’t on great terms when he passed.
• the weather is HOT. WHEN IT IS HOT, I AM MORE IRRITATED.
• SOME FUCKING IDIOT KEEPS DRIVING BY OUR STREET AND REVVING UP THEIR ENGINE.
• I AM SO SICK OF LIVING IN THIS TOWN. IT IS CONSTANT NOISE. NO SHADE TO MY NEIGHBORS FOR LIVING THEIR LIFE, BUT THE CONSTANT NOISE AND THE CONSTANT CARS PULLING IN AND OUT OF THE STREET DRIVES ME INSANE.
• TO ADD TO THE ABOVE, I WANT TO LEAVE SO BAD, BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO HOLD A JOB FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS DUE TO CRIPPLING ANXIETY. IT DOESN’T MAKE IT EASIER THAT EVERYTHING IS BECOMING UNAFFORDABLE.
• I AM TIRED OF SOCIAL MEDIA. SPECIFICALLY I AM TIRED OF EVERYONE ARGUING OVER EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY POLITICS.

I AM SO TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I AM STUCK. I NEED A CHANGE IN THE WORST WAY, BUT HOW CAN ONE DO THAT WHEN YOU CAN BARELY FUNCTION DAY-TO-DAY?

THE ONLY POSITIVES IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW ARE MY PETS AND MY FRIENDS. EVERYTHING ELSE (TO PUT IT LIGHTLY) IS A CLUSTERFUCK.

/daily life

JEREMY WENT TO PETSMART YESTERDAY AND BROUGHT HOME TWINKIE. HE FACETIMED ME WHILE IN THE STORE AND I KNEW AS SOON AS I SAW THAT HAM THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE COMING HOME WITH US:

at first, twinkie was reluctant to show himself on facetime because he was too busy stuffing his face in the food bowl. then, i finally got to see his sweet face:

lOOK AT HOW STINKING ADORABLE HE IS IN THE BACK OF THE ENCLOSURE AT PETSMART:

so far, he seems to be adjusting well. it didn’t take long for him to start exploring his new enclosure and moving his “furniture” (aka bedding) around. he also really seems to enjoy his wheel (don’t worry – it’s a lot bigger than the one at petsmart).

each time i’ve went in our room to check on him, he has greeted me exactly like lucy used to do, which makes me so happy. he also seems to want to be held just like she did.

i love this little guy so much already! look at his little hands. it’s like he’s posing!

in other news, i still haven’t started my new medications yet. we need to go pick it up.

earlier, i blew $40 on a video game, which is way more than what i normally spend. i needed the biggest house in the game, though, and i didn’t want to wait forever to get it.

i also did some trades on reddit for some of the fortnite sprites i didn’t have yet.

and yes, i did play fortnite with my friends and had a great time.

now, i’m super tired and going to sleep!