/daily life

my anxiety levels were through the roof yesterday. in light of that, i decided to make an appointment through sesamecare. i have had mental health appointments through them previously when i’ve been uninsured and it was a simple process. pay around $80-$100, have a video chat and pick up meds at your local pharmacy.

i have always been an anxious person, but i feel like all of my mental health symptoms were exacerbated by granny and papa passing away. prior to their passing, i never experienced a panic attack. now, i have them frequently.

the doctor i saw yesterday was so kind. the best part about the visit was her adorable cat who kept interrupting the video chat.

i explained to her that the main symptoms i want control of are constantly being in fight or flight mode and wanting to have more motivation to get things done. she started me back on zoloft 50 mg. i have had success with zoloft in the past, but it was making me sleepy at work and i had to stop it. i was also on a pretty high dose at that time. the only reason they aren’t starting me any higher is to make sure i don’t have any side effects.

as for the lack of motivation, they are starting me on wellbutrin, which i’ve also taken before. i’m a little nervous about this because i don’t know if adding a stimulant-like drug when my anxiety levels are already skyrocketed is the correct move. i’m trying to trust her process, though.

originally, she was also going to start me on clonidine, but didn’t want to prescribe three medications right off the bat. this is so that it will be easier to pinpoint if i have any side effects from the zoloft or wellbutrin.

i really just want to feel normal again. the only time i feel somewhat normal is when i’m talking to my friends or if my husband is home.

yesterday, i did not clean up the kitchen, but i did have groceries delivered so that we won’t have to order takeout again. i was going to cook dinner when jeremy got off work last night, but i was so exhausted by the time he came home.

jeremy is going to put in a request for vacation at his job soon. a majority of that will be spent “spring cleaning”, but i’m trying to think of something fun we can do for a day trip. going on a full-fledged vacation is challenging because of our pets.

/daily life

i had so much fun playing fortnite with my people last night.

when i was heading to bed, i had a brief thought:

“i need to feed lucy.”

i hate moments like that. i am still having those type of thoughts with chessie, too. even though chessie has been gone for several days now, i still find myself looking for her in the house and watching where i step. when one of my other cats are rubbing against me while i’m sitting on the couch, i always think it’s her for a split second because she was always by my side.

with lucy, it’s also difficult because her enclosure and all of her things are still in the bedroom.

i am leaning more toward adopting another, but i’m debating on the type of ham. i’ve always been partial to syrians, but i’m thinking about possibly adopting a winter white or robo.

i don’t know yet. we will see.

jeremy went to chum’s to get lunch. i desperately need to do a grocery order. the only food we had in the house was a red baron pizza that jeremy cooked last night.

i don’t know what the rest of this evening has in store. i’ll probably be working on this page some. i know fortnite is going to be involved. i think i actually will place a grocery order to be delivered this evening. i want to clean my kitchen up some, too.

/random journal prompt of the day
If you could see exactly 10 years into your own future, would you choose to look? Why or why not?

100% no, no and no. the reason is mainly out of fear. as an example, hubby and i were married 10 years ago. since our wedding day, we have lost close to 15 people who were in attendance. looking back, we obviously never expected that people who were such big parts of our lives would no longer be here 10 years later. some of their passings were so unexpected, too. because of that experience alone, i would rather not know what 10 years from now looks like. i also prefer to enjoy life as much as i can in the present moment.

hubby & i had snorkie’s for lunch today. we had burgers, loaded fries, mozz sticks and buffalo wings. we also started watching a movie called homestead on angel studios. i actually wanted to watch the tv series, but accidentally started watching the movie instead.

some asshat is trying to log into one of my old microsoft email accounts. thankfully, i have it set up with authenticator. i’ve probably received about 15 sign-in attempts so far and have denied every single one. i submitted a request to close the account. unfortunately, that takes 30 days and there’s no way to expedite it.

as a side note, microsoft support sucks ASS.

JEREMY IS AT WORK AND I AM AT HOME DOING NOTHING. I ALMOST LEFT THE HOUSE TODAY UNTIL I SAW THERE WAS NO GAS IN THE CAR. I HATE PUMPING GAS.

YESTERDAY EVENING, WE HAD A BIG STORM ROLL THROUGH AND IT BLEW THE GUTTER OFF THE SIDE OF OUR HOUSE. IT WAS COOL FOR ABOUT 7 MINUTES. I LOVE THE RAIN, BUT NOT WHEN THE HUMIDITY IS UNBEARABLE.

ON A TOTALLY UNRELATED TOPIC, I REALLY WANT TO GET ONE OF THOSE big WATER DISPENSERS. WE HAVE ONE, BUT IT IS OLDER. I WOULD ALSO LOVELOVELOVE TO GET A NUGGET ICE MAKER, BUT HOLY shit they are so ridiculously expensive. i actually did have an ice maker not too long ago, but my dogs decided that it would be cool to knock it off the counter and now that ice maker is no more. i have been trying to drink more water lately because i am a literal pepsi zero fiend and so far, i’ve been doing pretty good. the only thing that sucks is i am so picky when it comes to my water. first, my water has to be icy and cold. i cannot stand tap water (yes, it tastes different and it tastes horrible). dasani sucks. aquafina is okay. figi is great. smartwater, though, is top tier. it is also the most expensive ofc.

i like how the main focus of this entry is about water. my life is very interesting.

okay, so i didn’t play fortnite at all last night. i slept so long, then i woke up and felt like crap.

i have had sleep apnea for a long time. i feel like it started when i was young, but i wasn’t officially diagnosed until i was an adult. i was started on cpap therapy, then switched to bipap because cpap wasn’t enough. i still experience extreme sleepiness; therefore, i was following up frequently with my sleep doctor.

i had a repeat sleep study done and they did a pressure change on my machine. after no effect, they scheduled an mslt to rule out narcolepsy. the first mslt appointment was postponed due to a staffing issue. the second and third were canceled by me because there was a lot of snow and the driving conditions were horrendous. by the time i was getting ready to actually complete the mslt, my insurance was canceled unexpectedly about a week prior.

so, for the past several months, i have not been able to attend any necessary appointments. hubby is offered insurance through his work, but takes a pretty significant pay cut if he opts in. getting a job/getting my own insurance plan is out of the question at the moment due to a combination of different things. to be honest, i have a multitude of medical issues. a lot of these “issues” compound on top of each other and affect me every single day. additionally, transportation is a major issue as we only have one vehicle at the moment and the hubby works an unconventional shift.

i literally have no clue what the hell we are supposed to do because everything is so ridiculously unaffordable.

enough of my bitching.

right now, i am watching the hubby play assassin’s creed and thinking about dinner even though it’s only 2 pm. for some reason, baked mac and cheese sounds so amazing right now.

apparently, we are supposed to get some good storms tomorrow. we shall see!

i lost my hamster, lucy, early this morning. i noticed something was off with her about a week or so ago when she blew up out of no where. having owned hamsters previously, it’s easy for me to recognize a tumor, and i think that’s ultimately what she passed away from. i also don’t think that she was exactly young when i adopted her. it makes me sad because she was one of the sweetest hamsters i’ve owned. she loved food and she loved me. the hubby will be burying her in our backyard.

i do not know if i’m going to get another ham anytime soon. part of me wants to because i know that i can give one a good life. part of me doesn’t want to because we have a full house as it is.

having lost chessie and now losing lucy, i have had a rough couple of weeks.

on another note, i started playing fortnite with one of my best friends a couple of months ago. almost nightly, we have a whole friend group we play with, which is around 8-10 people. the game is fun, but the part i look forward to the most is the socialization. i don’t have friends that i regularly hang out with in real life aside from my husband. my best friend and i would hang out in-person, but she lives out of state. therefore, it’s nice to have something to look forward to every night, even if that “something to look forward to” is all of us bitching each other out in-game and causing chaos. it has literally been so much fun and a great source of entertainment. it has also helped me tremendously as far as coping with the loss of chessie and other life craziness.

anyway, i have not accomplished much today. it has been hotter than hell outside, so i have been trying to stay in the house. the heat index here has been 100+ and i’m not about that life.

jeremy is at the store getting dog food and stuff to make texas trash dip. i am currently starving. i wanted to eat supper when jeremy got home last night, but i was so exhausted from not having my daily nap that we went straight to bed. i have had this horrible habit lately of napping around 5-6 pm and not waking up until around 11 pm. i need to snap out of it.

as far as this evening/this weekend is concerned, i’m not sure what we will be doing. i know i’ll be playing fortnite. aside from that, we will probably just stay cooped up in the house and attempting to stay cool.

Yesterday was the 10th wedding anniversary for my husband and me. Total, we have been together for 11 years.

It’s unreal to me that I met him when I was 25 years old and now, I am getting ready to turn 36 years old in a few months. Time has absolutely flown.

My husband and I “met” via the dating app, Plenty of Fish. After conversing there, we texted and talked on Facebook briefly until I ghosted him. Several months later, I decided to text him on a whim. At that time, I was going through a rough breakup with a long-term on and off boyfriend. He was there for me through it all and we have been inseparable since.

We started officially dating in May 2015, then married on June 10, 2016. I don’t remember too much of the engagement phase because we were only engaged for a very short period of time. He officially proposed to me in front of the fridge of our first house together, which was a rental.

I wish I would have enjoyed the engagement phase more, but when you are young and in love, nothing can wait.

Since our marriage, we have had our fair share of ups and downs – losing 15+ people who attended our wedding day (two sets of grandparents, his twin brother and many others), him being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, losing the only house we ever owned…the list goes on. When we said, “for better, for worse…”, we definitely meant it.

For our anniversary, we ate porky cheese fries from Ridgeview BBQ, a local restaurant. It is one of our absolute favorite meals. Then, we came home, played Fortnite and he went to work.

Even though today is technically Thursday, we always call it “Friday” because it’s the start of his weekend. He will work 3:30-12:00 tonight, then he’ll be off for two days. I’m looking forward to spending time together. Truthfully, though, I look forward to it every week. When he is home, I don’t feel anxious, I don’t feel “on edge” and I feel like I can actually relax. When he’s working, I feel like I either have to sleep or try to find ways to distract myself until he’s home. Thank you, anxiety.

It is 87 f*cking degrees out and I am about to have a meltdown.

The house we currently live in is a multigenerational home. My great-grandparents, grandparents and their children all lived here at some point. The house is old.

While Granny and Papa lived here, the house was always hot. They did not care because they were always cold. When Jeremy and I came to visit, it was like walking in a sauna. There was something definitely wrong with the heating and cooling.

The house was serviced for many years by a local HVAC company. Granny and Papa paid a separate fee for them to perform routine maintenance, such as cleaning out the vents every so often. After Papa passes away and while my husband and I are living here, the HVAC suddenly stops working. We wake up one morning in the dead of winter and it is about 50 degrees in the house.

“This thing looks like it has been neglected for years,” the company says. Mind you, it’s the same company that has been servicing it for 10+ years. We were quoted $20k to completely replace the unit.

Who the f*ck has $20k? Not me. Not my husband.

Since then, we have been heating with space heaters and cooling with window units. Winter is not so bad. Summer is a nightmare. Summer is a nightmare specifically because I am an A1 bitch when I am hot. I also become nauseous and sick if I am overheated.

At the moment, I have no solution other than buying some more powerful window units.

I miss our old house. I miss living in the woods and being surrounded by trees that protected me from the hellacious sun. That’s another story for another time, though.

According to Google, it’s 58 degrees in Alaska. Who wants to move?