we finished the homestead last night and now i’m sad because supposedly the new series doesn’t come out until later this year. it was such a good series.

the fortnite update is really cool so far. there’s new sprites and new loot. the gold fishing holes are back too! i’m excited to play with my friends tonight.

today has been pretty uneventful so far. i ate leftover spaghetti. today is hubby’s friday and i am so ready for him to be off already.

twinkie is still adjusting well and is having no issues letting me hold him at night. last night he kept burrowing himself in the bedding and it was so cute to watch.

it has been super gloomy outside and it’s making me so sleepy. part of me wants to try to stay awake but then there’s a big part of me that wants to lay down and sleep until hubby comes home. i already know that if it starts raining, there’s noooo way i’m gonna be able to stay awake.

i still haven’t taken my wellbutrin. i am for sure gonna start it tomorrow morning. i think i’ll feel better starting it tomorrow since my hubby is gonna be home all day.

i really need to go get some benadryl or something because my allergies have been off the chain lately. i almost won a solo fortnite match earlier and i’m convinced i only lost because my eyes started watering like crazy out of nowhere. i have tried two diff kinds of eye drops so far and they don’t do a thing.

i can’t stop freaking yawning.

i made spaghetti, garlic bread, and peas with mayo for supper tonight, which is an accomplishment for me considering the slump i’ve been in lately. it was really good except for the fact we were out of parmesan cheese and i didn’t realize it before i placed the grocery order.

i did an online delivery order from walmart today, which totally sucked because the driver couldn’t find my house. i had to go outside, flag her down, and actually communicate with someone outside of my fortnite friend group. to be honest, i was so out of my element and it was a super uncomfortable interaction for me. i’m gonna try to do pickup orders from now on to prevent that from ever happening again and to also force me to get out of the house.

one thing i’ve implemented since being in this depressive phase is purchasing paper plates, paper bowls, and plastic cutlery. it makes me feel so wasteful, but it genuinely helps.

right now, hubby and i are watching the homestead series on angel studios. i’m really enjoying it so far. once we finish the series, i might watch the movie, too.

/random journal prompt
What is an unpopular food combination or strange snack that you secretly love?

orville redenbacher’s ultimate butter popcorn [with extra butter spray added] mixed with plain or peanut butter m&m’s is my absolute go-to snack! i cannot eat popcorn without m&m’s!

crispy bacon + mayo sandwiches on toasted and buttered bread.

plain buttered biscuits dipped in ketchup for breakfast!

i also love taking a can of peas, a couple tablespoons of mayo, a teaspoon of vinegar, mixing it up until the peas are white and eating it as a side for spaghetti. my hubby is repulsed every time i make this, but my granny used to make it [i guess you can call it a pea salad variation] and i absolutely love it.

/daily life

we are on day 4 of zoloft. i haven’t noticed a change in my anxiety yet. i am still having random bouts of nausea. the only other side effect i’ve noticed is a bit of dissociation. the nausea was super intense when i woke up this morning. i still haven’t started the wellbutrin. as long as i don’t have any nausea for the rest of the evening and when i wake up tomorrow, i may start it in the morning.

our bedroom has been getting really hot with the increasing summer temps. our bedroom has a huge screen door that used to lead to a porch until granny and papa had a pool installed there instead. there are no other windows, so the only option as far as cooling it is a portable ac with the hose leading out the screen door.

when i was really young, the bedroom used to be the living room until granny and papa rearranged. personally, i want to move the living room back in there because i would rather deal with a little heat while i’m awake vs. when i’m falling asleep.

jeremy is planning to take a vaca so we can take some time to fix some things up in the house.

/daily life

i finally started zoloft yesterday. i took the first dose around 7 pm and by midnight, i started to feel the side effects. the last time i took zoloft, i don’t remember having any side effects at all; however, this time, i was very nauseous. there were a couple of instances where i almost puked.

i planned on starting wellbutrin today. i’m supposed to take it in the morning to help with my energy levels and motivation. after having side effects from zoloft, though, i think i’m going to wait awhile and let that settle before introducing another medication.

twinkie ran in his wheel all night last night. he has the giant kaytee wheel, which squeaks when he runs. as weird as this sounds, it was very soothing to hear, especially after losing lucy. i was going to have jeremy stop and get him some gerber puffs for treats, but i forgot to ask him while he was at the store.

i am thinking about buying a small box fan from walmart. i have a huge lasko fan (this one, to be exact) that i absolutely adore, but it is huge and somewhat difficult to move around from room-to-room. it is perfect when it’s extremely hot or when you’re feeling sick, though. jeremy hates it, but i love it and i’m never getting rid of that thing. ideally, i would like to have a fan in every room. it has just been so hot, humid and miserable lately. my face constantly feels hot and i hate that feeling.

today is father’s day, which i will make a separate entry about.

/DAILY LIFE

i am sick and tired of being overwhelmed with everything. anxiety has been running my life lately and i am over it.

jeremy is on his way to the store right now to pick up my medications. i hope they help.

it has been one thing after another LATELY:

• father’s day is tomorrow. this is a difficult day for me for two different reasons. the first reason is because the father figure in my life – my papa – passed away in 2022. the second reason is that my actual father passed away in 2013 from alcoholism and we weren’t on great terms when he passed.
• the weather is HOT. WHEN IT IS HOT, I AM MORE IRRITATED.
• SOME FUCKING IDIOT KEEPS DRIVING BY OUR STREET AND REVVING UP THEIR ENGINE.
• I AM SO SICK OF LIVING IN THIS TOWN. IT IS CONSTANT NOISE. NO SHADE TO MY NEIGHBORS FOR LIVING THEIR LIFE, BUT THE CONSTANT NOISE AND THE CONSTANT CARS PULLING IN AND OUT OF THE STREET DRIVES ME INSANE.
• TO ADD TO THE ABOVE, I WANT TO LEAVE SO BAD, BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO HOLD A JOB FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS DUE TO CRIPPLING ANXIETY. IT DOESN’T MAKE IT EASIER THAT EVERYTHING IS BECOMING UNAFFORDABLE.
• I AM TIRED OF SOCIAL MEDIA. SPECIFICALLY I AM TIRED OF EVERYONE ARGUING OVER EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY POLITICS.

I AM SO TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I AM STUCK. I NEED A CHANGE IN THE WORST WAY, BUT HOW CAN ONE DO THAT WHEN YOU CAN BARELY FUNCTION DAY-TO-DAY?

THE ONLY POSITIVES IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW ARE MY PETS AND MY FRIENDS. EVERYTHING ELSE (TO PUT IT LIGHTLY) IS A CLUSTERFUCK.

/daily life

JEREMY WENT TO PETSMART YESTERDAY AND BROUGHT HOME TWINKIE. HE FACETIMED ME WHILE IN THE STORE AND I KNEW AS SOON AS I SAW THAT HAM THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE COMING HOME WITH US:

at first, twinkie was reluctant to show himself on facetime because he was too busy stuffing his face in the food bowl. then, i finally got to see his sweet face:

lOOK AT HOW STINKING ADORABLE HE IS IN THE BACK OF THE ENCLOSURE AT PETSMART:

so far, he seems to be adjusting well. it didn’t take long for him to start exploring his new enclosure and moving his “furniture” (aka bedding) around. he also really seems to enjoy his wheel (don’t worry – it’s a lot bigger than the one at petsmart).

each time i’ve went in our room to check on him, he has greeted me exactly like lucy used to do, which makes me so happy. he also seems to want to be held just like she did.

i love this little guy so much already! look at his little hands. it’s like he’s posing!

in other news, i still haven’t started my new medications yet. we need to go pick it up.

earlier, i blew $40 on a video game, which is way more than what i normally spend. i needed the biggest house in the game, though, and i didn’t want to wait forever to get it.

i also did some trades on reddit for some of the fortnite sprites i didn’t have yet.

and yes, i did play fortnite with my friends and had a great time.

now, i’m super tired and going to sleep!

/daily life

my anxiety levels were through the roof yesterday. in light of that, i decided to make an appointment through sesamecare. i have had mental health appointments through them previously when i’ve been uninsured and it was a simple process. pay around $80-$100, have a video chat and pick up meds at your local pharmacy.

i have always been an anxious person, but i feel like all of my mental health symptoms were exacerbated by granny and papa passing away. prior to their passing, i never experienced a panic attack. now, i have them frequently.

the doctor i saw yesterday was so kind. the best part about the visit was her adorable cat who kept interrupting the video chat.

i explained to her that the main symptoms i want control of are constantly being in fight or flight mode and wanting to have more motivation to get things done. she started me back on zoloft 50 mg. i have had success with zoloft in the past, but it was making me sleepy at work and i had to stop it. i was also on a pretty high dose at that time. the only reason they aren’t starting me any higher is to make sure i don’t have any side effects.

as for the lack of motivation, they are starting me on wellbutrin, which i’ve also taken before. i’m a little nervous about this because i don’t know if adding a stimulant-like drug when my anxiety levels are already skyrocketed is the correct move. i’m trying to trust her process, though.

originally, she was also going to start me on clonidine, but didn’t want to prescribe three medications right off the bat. this is so that it will be easier to pinpoint if i have any side effects from the zoloft or wellbutrin.

i really just want to feel normal again. the only time i feel somewhat normal is when i’m talking to my friends or if my husband is home.

yesterday, i did not clean up the kitchen, but i did have groceries delivered so that we won’t have to order takeout again. i was going to cook dinner when jeremy got off work last night, but i was so exhausted by the time he came home.

jeremy is going to put in a request for vacation at his job soon. a majority of that will be spent “spring cleaning”, but i’m trying to think of something fun we can do for a day trip. going on a full-fledged vacation is challenging because of our pets.

/daily life

i had so much fun playing fortnite with my people last night.

when i was heading to bed, i had a brief thought:

“i need to feed lucy.”

i hate moments like that. i am still having those type of thoughts with chessie, too. even though chessie has been gone for several days now, i still find myself looking for her in the house and watching where i step. when one of my other cats are rubbing against me while i’m sitting on the couch, i always think it’s her for a split second because she was always by my side.

with lucy, it’s also difficult because her enclosure and all of her things are still in the bedroom.

i am leaning more toward adopting another, but i’m debating on the type of ham. i’ve always been partial to syrians, but i’m thinking about possibly adopting a winter white or robo.

i don’t know yet. we will see.

jeremy went to chum’s to get lunch. i desperately need to do a grocery order. the only food we had in the house was a red baron pizza that jeremy cooked last night.

i don’t know what the rest of this evening has in store. i’ll probably be working on this page some. i know fortnite is going to be involved. i think i actually will place a grocery order to be delivered this evening. i want to clean my kitchen up some, too.

/random journal prompt of the day
If you could see exactly 10 years into your own future, would you choose to look? Why or why not?

100% no, no and no. the reason is mainly out of fear. as an example, hubby and i were married 10 years ago. since our wedding day, we have lost close to 15 people who were in attendance. looking back, we obviously never expected that people who were such big parts of our lives would no longer be here 10 years later. some of their passings were so unexpected, too. because of that experience alone, i would rather not know what 10 years from now looks like. i also prefer to enjoy life as much as i can in the present moment.